


Fury's List

by cerealkiller0



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2013-04-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerealkiller0/pseuds/cerealkiller0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>117 things the Avengers are no longer allowed to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fury's List

1\. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’

2\. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.

3\. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.

4\. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”

5\. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.

6\. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.

7\. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t. 

8\. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.

9\. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped. 

10\. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”

11\. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”

12\. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.

13\. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.

14\. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.

15\. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.

16\. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.

17\. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.

18\. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.

19\. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.

20\. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.

21\. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.

22\. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.

23\. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.

24\. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.

25\. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

26\. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

27\. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.

28\. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts. 

29\. Pants are not optional at team meetings.

30\. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.

31\. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.

32\. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.

33\. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards. 

34\. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.

35\. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.

36\. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.

37\. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’

38\. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’

39\. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.

40\. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.

41\. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.

42\. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.

43\. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’

44\. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.

45\. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is. 

46\. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.

47\. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.

48\. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.

49\. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’

50\. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.

51\. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.

52\. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.

53\. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. 

54\. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science! 

55\. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’

56\. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”

57\. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.

58\. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.

59\. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.

60\. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.

61\. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.

62\. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’

63\. The Hulk cannot have a pet bunny.

64\. Bruce does not want a pet bunny.

65\. Clint’s alias is ‘Hawkeye’ not ‘The Carnie’

66\. If you bleed all over the floor, you have to clean it up.

67\. If you make someone else bleed all over the floor, you have to clean it up.

68\. Espresso is not a food group.

69\. Any scientific research involving human trials is not to be conducted after 3 am, while intoxicated, or without prior approval from the ethics committee.

70\. The phrase “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” does not apply to Tony Stark.

71\. The Minnesota Vikings are not Thor’s willing tributes, waiting to be commanded in glorious battle.

72\. Name-calling, strip poker, and fights to ‘first blood’ are not to be used to settle arguments.

73\. ‘Get Bruce some pants’ does not mean take off your own.

74\. There is no such thing as the S.H.I.E.L.D. Fight Club.

75\. The P.A. system is not Tony Stark’s personal sound system.

76\. ‘Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?’ is a rhetorical question.

77\. Emails CCed to all S.H.I.E.L.D. employees should not include any of the following: pornography, dirty limericks, or links to websites selling eye patches so ‘Director Fury feels more included.’

78\. Steve is not allowed to make coffee ever again. Ever. 

79\. The sexual harassment policy is not optional.

80\. Never reply to anything Agent Hill says with “That’s what she said.”

81\. S.H.I.E.L.D. medical staff will no longer be treating injuries caused by Taser. You probably deserved it.

82\. The proper response to a direct order is not “Make me.”

83\. No one is to be pantsed or swirlied at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.

84\. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Clint Barton.

85\. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Bruce Banner

86\. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, /never/ applied to Tony Stark.

87\. A blow-up doll is not an acceptable gift for any S.H.I.E.L.D. employee.

88\. Neither is a dildo.

89\. Bruce and Tony are not to be referred to as ‘Science Boyfriends,’ ‘Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum,’ ‘Frick and Frack,’ or ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.’

90\. Bruce and the Hulk are not ‘Greeny and the Brain.’ 

91\. Captain America’s shield does not ‘need more bling.’

92\. Clint is not allowed to convince Thor to do shots of chemicals in Bruce’s lab to see if he can get drunk off them.

93\. Natasha is not a femme bot.

94\. Natasha is not Xena: Warrior Princess reincarnated.

95\. JARVIS is not authorized to countermand any orders.

96\. The Avengers will not challenge the next super villain attacking New York to a dance off.

97\. Stop antagonizing the military.

98\. The Avengers do not need a theme song.

99\. A stick-from-ass-ectomy is not a real medical procedure.

100\. Even if it was, Steve does not need one.

101\. The Avengers are not allowed to taunt the press, aliens, or any government officials.

102\. Do not dare junior agents to throw water on Natasha to see if she melts.

103\. Plan B when dealing with an enraged monster should not include any of the following: running like hell, poking it with a stick, seeing if it gets tired, or just letting it stomp around New York for a while.

104\. Iron Man does not need a pimp cane.

105\. The Avengers are not allowed to take the day off and see if Professor X’s “Merry band of Mutants” will handle it.

106\. Stop asking Thor how often he polishes his hammer.

107\. Stop asking Thor if Jane polishes his hammer.

108\. The Avengers do not need a contingency plan for the zombie apocalypse.

109\. Bruce’s name is not Jolly Green, Green Bean, Godzilla, or Kermit.

110\. The Avengers are not allowed to take up a collection to buy Steve a hooker.

111\. Battle strategies are not decided with a Magic 8 ball.

112\. The Hulk does not have fleas.

113\. Neither does Clint.

114\. Bruce and Tony are not allowed to spend a week in the lab trying to invent a flux capacitor.

115\. Or a lightsaber.

116\. There is no such holiday as “Hug a Cyclops Day.”

117\. Director Fury does not want a hug.


End file.
